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I have mentioned my friend Wendy Warman in the past; she is the owner of Smartalkers and author of Loud and Clear.  Wendy is a pretty well known and successful speech and communications coach who offers practical advice and helps people understand the communications process.

I love public speaking; I don’t remember ever being fearful of an audience, large or small, or anything involving talking.  I love to talk, which is not always a good thing (but that’s another blog).   I don’t usually experience the nerves that many highly skilled and competent speakers and entertainers experience when they head  for the podium, or even think about giving a speech.  Until one day, I did.  And oddly enough, in a really small and friendly forum my unfamiliar butterflies turned into full blown panic.  Huh?  This was weird, and not at all pleasant.

I had no idea why it happened, but I can tell you that once you know it can happen to you, it does.  I figured out pretty quickly that I was now afraid of the jitters, and not the speech or the audience; I was in a vicious circle.   And it just got worse.

I called my friend Wendy and asked for advice.  She knew, as I did, that it was no longer about the podium, but about fear of fear taking over, and she gave a me a little trick that I will now pass along to you.  This works well for any situation in which you might have an involuntary (as if there were any other kind) feeling of panic, fainting, weakness, or fear–like an interview, a meeting, or a social situation that is unfamiliar.  Stage fright is not only a player on the stage, but sometimes comes with you to the party, the boss’s office, or to the networking interview at the restaurant.  Or even to the airport, and on to the plane.

This is simple.  Push your stomach muscles forward, so that you expand your abdomen, breathing normally.  While you are doing that, repeat to your self, “I am relaxed, I am relaxed, I am relaxed.”  The expansion of your tummy gives your lungs some room to take in the oxygen you need to remain rational.  The recitation of the mantra provides specific and comforting direction to your brain.  Apparently, as Wendy explains, your body cannot do something that your mind is directly contradicting.

My personal experience is that this works well enough for a long enough interval to get you started, and the feeling of well-being helps you gain control and confidence.  If you are prepared for your gig, whatever it is, the rest is up to you.  If you are not prepared, I know why you might be anxious.

If you need more help, like good speaking skills, good planning skills, or just the mechanics of constructing information into understandable sentences that will stand you well in conversations, consider working with a coach, or join one of the organizations that provide you with practice, practice, and more practice. Toastmasters is the best known among those, but there are others.

It’s really important to be able to trust your ability to control your anxiety and its symptoms, or even to convert anxiety to simple nervousness.  Dr. Martin Seligman, an American psychologist known for his work in the areas of learned helplessness and learned optimism, hypothesizes in his book entitled Learned Optimism that it is possible (if not probable) that feelings of anxiety do not cause physical symptoms like lightheadedness, stomach tension, sweating, shortness of breath.  Instead, consider that the symptoms cause the feelings.  If that’s true, and there is evidence that it is, then all you have to deal with is getting more oxygen to your brain so that you can confront your inner bully with rational behavior.

Then, still according to Dr. Seligman, your ability to control the symptoms will cause them to stop, for the most part, as a function of your subconscious anticipated intervention.  All of this is very behaviorally oriented, and behaviorism isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.  Though my B.S. is in Psychology, and I like a lot of the behavioral theories, there are lots of points of view out there and they aren’t always in agreement.

Psychology aside, I tried Wendy’s suggestion, and it worked.  Really. Well.  And I have suggested it to others, and it has worked for them, I am told.  So don’t go around inviting a bad case of scary nerves by not being ready for your speech, interview, or meeting.  But if you get a case of nerves that feels like it might get in your way, push your tummy out, and have a quick conversation with yourself:  “I am relaxed, I  am relaxed, I am relaxed,” and so on.

Sometimes in Interview World, things go wrong, sometimes really really wrong.  The electricity, and therefore your landline, goes out just before your screening interview.  You get stuck in traffic and become hopelessly late.  You break a heel.  You go to the rest room and a broken faucet causes water to splash your silk blouse.

Can you recover? That is the question of the day, and the answer is:

Maybe; it depends.

These are accidents and disasters taken from Real Life Stories, but not my own experiences.

You drive to an interview location, park as close as you can to the location, and as you walk toward the door in your stilettos, the clouds open and the torrential rains come.  You are now soaked to the skin.

What went wrong here?  You were not prepared, with 1.) adequate rain gear, including at least umbrella and raincoat or slicker, 2.) shoes you can run or at least walk faster in, and 3. ) you apparently ignored the black cloud on the horizon.  What can you do now?  Here we go:

Assuming there is a receptionist, ask him or her to direct you to the nearest rest room.  If you are male and wearing a suit, remove the jacket, shake it out, and don’t put it back on.  If you are female and you are wearing a suit jacket, remove it and similarly, shake it out and then make a decision about putting it on.  What you have on underneath it should guide you.  Here’s a good day to have chosen the blouse over the cami.

Dry your face (hopefully this is not a paperless restroom) and comb your hair. Towel dry it if you can, don’t worry if you can’t.   If you do encounter an automatic dryer (Yay!), give everything you can a once over.

Then smile and step back out to the reception area.  If your interviewer comments, smile and shake your head in wonder.  Then move on.

Enroute to the interview, your car breaks down.

Using the cell phone we know you have with you, you call the interviewer or organization’s central number (you would not fail to collect those in advance, right?) and cancel the interview.  You ask for the chance to reschedule, and indicate you will call after you have managed your immediate problem.

Unless you are cool as ice, do not try to manage your car problem and interview in the same day.  Do not burden your prospective employer with detailed stories of switching cars with your roommate, calling taxis, and the like.  In fact, the look on your face while dealing with such problems isn’t nice to look at, and your attitude takes a beating when a car breaks down.

Word to the wise: maintain the car meticulously, fixing problems before they become emergencies.

You broke a heel enroute to the interview.

Switch to whatever extra shoes you have in the car, even if they are your running shoes.  But let this be a lesson if they are your running shoes, place one pair of black flats in your car and leave them there.

If you have no shoes in the car, and you have time, buy a pair at the nearest mall.

If you have not entered the interview location yet, and you are  not the kind of brave soul and blithe spirit for whom this is a chance to show your composure under stress, consider rescheduling the interview (from your cell phone, a distance away from the building) due to a personal emergency.  Depending on who you are, this may be less risky for you and your objectives than trying to limp through the interview, so to speak.

You show up at the wrong location.

Call and tell the interviewer you will be late, and tell the interviewer why.  You need to ensure that the interview time is still available for you, or ask if you can reschedule if the time is not available.  If you are planning to go to the correct location, be sure you have correct and detailed directions, or a map.

If the place where you are and the place you should be are great distances apart, ponder for a moment how this happened, and what should happen now.  Usually companies provide directions and emails and the like, and you should have those with you, in digital or paper form.  Your error may not be your error, but you should always be understanding and offer to be flexible.

I once flew to New York for an interview, spent the night in a hotel, and checked in at the Company the next day, promptly.  It turned out that my interviewer thought it was a phone interview.  (I was working for a division of the Company and the interviewer was in the headquarters.) My invitation to interview specified the time, place, and names of all of those I was scheduled to meet.  I was directed to make my own travel arrangements. . . .I knew where I was supposed to be.  All you can do is be gracious, understanding. and cooperative.

A Fire Alarm goes off in the building where you are interviewing, and the interviewer doesn’t prepare to leave, though you see everyone else heading for the doors.  She tells you it’s probably just a drill or malfunctioning alarm.

I’d leave.  I’d apologize and tell her that in your tribe, alarms mean business, and you don’t want to risk your life for a great job.  I’d smile and say, “Oh c’mon, we can talk outside.”  This is actually a good time to show a little leadership; you never know.

If you get up to leave, and she doesn’t, ask her where you are supposed to go, and if it turns out to be a drill or false alarm, if you should return to this same office.

Emergencies involving light and sound are real, in my book.

Your interviewer appears to be drunk and is slurring his words, which don’t exactly hang together or appear to be relevant.  He has stopped making any sense at all.

Excuse yourself and ask either the receptionist or the nearest responsible-looking person to return to the interviewer’s office with you, explaining that the interviewer is apparently quite ill.  Explain  the symptoms, without making any assumptions about the reasons.  then excuse yourself, indicating that you will call later or the following day.  Wild, I know, but it happened.

Call later or the following day, and ask to speak with the interviewer’s boss.  Ask how he is dong, and explain who you are and why you were there, if necessary.  Do not ask about the job.  Sometimes you just can’t.

You are in the middle of an interview, when the interviewer excuses herself without providing a reason.  She doesn’t return.  A half hour passes, and then forty minutes.  No one stops by to thank you for your patience.

Okay, this one did happen to me, a very long time ago.  Apparently, this particular tribe rarely told the boss they were interviewing anyone for any job for fear of setting off a chain of risky conversations about whether the position was needed.  So my interviewer left to attend what she thought was a quick stand-up meeting, which turned into a full-blown group sit-down.

At about the forty minute mark I went to the receptionist to ask about the health of my late interviewer.  The (long suffering, I am sure) receptionist took the opportunity to get even with someone for a perceived or deliberately inflicted slight; I could see the glee as she paged the interviewer.  Who stormed into the room, glaring at the receptionist.  And at me.

I made my apologies: “I’m so sorry, I must go; wish I had more time today, but I have a commitment.”  (. . . to avoiding crazy places.  You all seem to be anything but my tribe.  I plan to use the rest of the day to celebrate my liberation from your office.)

The most important thing to remember, though is that crazy, wrong-headed, or careless,  we are all human, and stuff just happens.  Sometimes it happens for a reason.  Sometimes it happens because we didn’t prevent it.

I am one of those people who simply has to think about and plan for what could go wrong, whatever the occasion.  In my car, I have rain gear and towels, the usual parking meter change, maps, flip-flops, and running shoes.  I have, in my handbag, at this very moment, in addition to spendables and business cards, an umbrella, pair of fold-up black flats, smartphone with gps and traffic apps, nutrition bar and bottle of water, extra spectacles, teeny tiny makeup samples, writing implements and post-its.  And Advil.  Just in case of an emergency.

Recently, I interviewed someone who clearly had a lot of practice being interviewed.  In fact, it turned out, she had begun logging and maintaining her interviewing statistics:  21 phone screens, 30 in-persons, and 12 or so second interviews.  No offers, but it’s a numbers game, right?

Looking at it that way may result in treating the interview too superficially.   I observed while interviewing her that she anticipated my questions, follow-up questions, and requests for clarification.  She would lean forward and prepare her posture and expression, as if to say, “Call on me; I know that answer. Now ask me the one about the conflict resolution.”

And therein lies the problem.  An interview is not a pop quiz or oral exam, at least it shouldn’t be.  A good interview should flow like a conversation, so eagerly anticipating your next chance to speak would not be appropriate.  Appropriate behavior, even if you know and have rehearsed the best answer in the world to the question about to be asked of you, would involve at least the appearance of reflection.

Sit back, not forward, and relax.  Nod your head slightly, and look thoughtful (and reflective).  Tilt your head (okay, not that much) and say something introductory, like, “That’s an interesting question.” (Do not do this if the question was “Do you take cream or sugar in your coffee?”)

You know what I mean.  Eager though you may be, practiced though you might feel, this is not the time to raise your hand and shout “Yes, I know that one, the one about which tree I would be!  And I know my strengths and weaknesses, too!”

Practice, in Interview World, can create some unflattering dynamics that suggest you’ve been there and done that, that you think the interviewer is a robot, or that you lack a certain fresh enthusiasm.  You can be too confident.

I once had to recover from Too Much Confidence.  I realized I was sailing along but the interview for the job I wanted wasn’t going well. Fortunately for me, the interviewer took a phone call and it interrupted a rhythm that had become more of a Quick Step than the preferable Slow Waltz.  When his attention returned, I asked a question about an aspect of the company’s organizational development plans–one that required a fairly long answer.  An answer to which I listened, carefully and intently.  The rhythm and the tone of the conversation changed back to a conversation, not a sprint.  I ended up getting more interviews, and eventually the job.

We all get excited about possibilities, but you can overwhelm your possibilities with what always emerges as “I got this one; we both know it.”  It’s the conversational equivalent of tapping your foot, and it makes interviewers uncomfortable.

Breathe.  Forget the right answers.  Every company and every interview is a little different.  You have more than one weakness and more than one strength.  Instead of pulling out your Courage strength, say,” I used to think it was Courage, but lately, I’ve realized my Tenacity might be my strongest suit.  Mix it up.

Reflect.  Think about the question for a minute.  Glance skyward.  then answer spontaneously from your gut or your heart, not your head, just this once.

Pause.  Look at the interviewer and ask, “Did I explain that sufficiently? It’s a good question.” Then listen to the follow-up.

Consider more than one answer.  You might even say,”I think there is more than one answer to that question.”  (Unless, of course, the question is “What is your name?” )

It is partially true that there is a Numbers Game element to job searching and all that goes with it.  And you do need practice in order to gain confidence and overcome your nerves and nervousness.  One of the reasons, though, that passive job seekers (those who are not looking but somehow get found) seem to perform better on the Qualifying Hurdles is that they are relaxed and unrehearsed.

So, relax, and unrehearse.  Shake out the answers you used last time around, and freshen your interest in the questions, why they are being asked of you, and in who is asking.

Several years ago I had the pleasure of working with Wendy Warman, speech coach, president of Smartalkers, and author of Loud and Clear, a book about making your point and being heard.  Wendy was coaching my Stetson University MBA cohort.  The first assignment was to describe something (in my case, a party) to our group, communicating as if the group was ten years old.  I was surprised at how very very difficult this assignment was for me.

I love public speaking; I believe there may be a teacher buried deep inside me. When I was ten years old, myself, I was organizing the other ten year olds into a classroom, and teaching them math or spelling.  So you would think I might have this one; nope.

Somehow I managed to get the word “ubiquitous” into my three minute speech.  Then I realized I’d said “crudites” instead of “raw vegetables” and it just went straight downhill from there.  What the. . . ?  Apparently I could not make the adjustment to a new audience on the fly.  And frankly, on the fly in this case was  at least twenty minutes lead time, fair warning, and several good examples ahead of me in the class.  I was sort of mortified.

Making adjustments for the audience, whoever the audience is, is an important skill.  And it’s more than that–it’s a way of thinking about the needs of others,  to understand you, to not have to ask you what the heck you just said, and to come away from a conversation with you feeling that you understand them.

Last Friday’s  New York Times has a great article, How to Talk to Real People, about an Emory University program called Communicating Science.  Chemists and other scientists are taught to deliver a three minute speech about their work to several different constituencies: peers, other scientists, neighbors, and third graders.  It is worth examining the differences and applying the principles and the exercise to your own tendencies, if you operate in a profession that has a language or jargon all its own.  This means you, IT people, lawyers, accountants, HR Benefits professionals, and dozens of other people who can sound a little scary to the rest of the world.

And in the event that you are headed for an interview or networking meeting, remember that if you make what you do and what you think accessible to everyone, you will have that many more possible connections to a job just waiting for the right person.  People who don’t understand what you do (or want to do) can’t help you.  It is your job to help them understand.

In no particular order, here is a Monday’s worth of warnings, just for you:

Do not put your high school accomplishments or activities–or even your diploma–on your resume, after you have graduated from college.  Unless your high school alma mater is a well known prep school, in which case you should place it on your resume.

Do not use words on your resume that are esoteric or likely to be unfamiliar to most of your target readers.  If you are an Oenophile or Philatelist, keep it to yourself.

Do not establish your career objective based on the career interests and career  possibilities of anyone but you.

Do not keep your ideas and plans in your head; discuss them, flesh them out, research them,  and write them down.

Do not be so competitive that no one ever wants to help you.  Or even be around you.  It is absolutely true that what goes around, comes around.

Do not let three days go by, following an interview, without sending a handwritten thank you note to the person who interviewed you, and if appropriate, the person who helped you get the interview.  Even if it was a parent or other relative.

Do not deny your parents and close friends the chance to help you realize your dreams.  Your innermost circle is THE segment of your growing network  most likely to connect you with the job you dream about.

Do not disclose too much in your networking or in your interviews.  When the interviewer asks  “Is there anything else you’d like to mention or that you think I need to know?”, unless there is a Pulitzer prize or an Emmy or the equivalent that hadn’t come up in the conversation yet, the answer is “I don’t think so.”  TMI is TMI, for real.  It isn’t the information that is the problem; it’s the moving of the boundary.

Career Changers, Do Not Linger in your old comfort zone.  You made this transition for a good reason; let go the artifacts of the old space and stop playing the old songs.

Do not wait for a job posting or other apparent invitation to seek and ask for the job you want.  In fact, this is a good place to put that competitive spirit to work:  Get there before the job is posted and you can rule the world.

Do not help yourself. If you are left alone in a room with candy, food, or drink, do not assume it is for you.  Always wait to be offered, whatever it is that you think you should have.  Including a seat.

Do not pretend you heard or understood something you did not hear or understand.  I once spent a dinner interview apologizing to my soft-spoken British interviewer, because I did not understand a single word he said or question he asked.  He is still a dear friend, but now I can figure out what he is talking about (most of the time).

Do not fail to check your resume word for word and line by line.  Your interest is martial arts, not marital arts, and your spell checking software would not likely catch that.

Do not accept interviews with employers you don’t want to work for, for jobs you don’t want to do, no matter what.  No matter what; I would not mislead you.  If you do this, you will do very poorly in the interview and you will be totally bummed out that even the jobs you don’t want, don’t want you.

Everybody makes mistakes, but not everyone corrects mistakes.  The job search requires a certain number of silly or stupid mistakes–it’s like a rite of passage, getting your stupid out so that you can do better.

So, go forth, and do better.